Non Violent Communication/NVC

My American Libraries Association discussion group on Linked In is having a very interesting conversation about dealing with difficult people.  One person shares:

• Group: American Library Association
• Discussion: Tips for dealing with angry/difficult patrons/co-workers?

Doing emotional paraphrasing (I can hear that you are frustrated, angry, etc.), helps people to feel heard and starts to lower the emotional energy. Expressing that you care and expressing what you are willing to do is also helpful (the phrase, "I am willing to..." is very effective).

Personally, I've found the principles and model of nonviolent communication (NVC) to be invaluable for diffusing emotionally charged situations, as well as being of value generally in my life and relationships. In short, the NVC model is to listen empathically and express honestly using these four principles:
- observations
- feelings
- needs
- requests

When you begin to listen to someone's angry attack as being their emotional reaction to their perception of an unmet need, then you can start to redirect your energy from defense or counterattack to listening and responding to the request (which is often not stated explicitly.) Likewise, if YOU are the one who is upset, you are much more likely to get your needs met by expressing your upset in terms of what you perceived/observed, the feelings that you have in response to that perception, your need, and a specific request (not a demand) for a resolution.

If anyone is interested in more info check out: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/the-nvc-model . I highly recommend the book: http://www.cnvc.org/catalog/nvc_language_for_life

And remember, whoever is saner in the moment takes responsibility for the level of the relationship! :-)


Posted by Peter Bromberg